How Do I Create Boundaries with My Family?
You’re sitting at the table with your family for the holidays and it happens: That one subject comes up that makes your stomach twist with anxiety. In this article, a registered therapist shares a few phrases to have in your tool belt to help create boundaries with family to maintain your sanity and reduce your stress in the upcoming months.
What are boundaries?
very simply, boundaries are where others stop and we, as individuals, begin. to expound, boundaries are the lines we draw in relationships to communicate what we are comfortable with and what we are not comfortable with, what we need and what is unhelpful for our well-being. being unavailable to a boss or manager outside of work hours is a boundary. telling a family member you don’t feel comfortable discussing an element of your personal life is a boundary. declining a social invitation because you are exhausted and need to stay home to recharge is a boundary. telling someone you will hang up the phone if they continue to berate and insult you is a boundary. sharing with your partner your need for alone time when you get home from work is a boundary. boundaries are essential for healthy, thriving relationships with partners, family, friends, colleagues, and most importantly, ourselves.
boundaries are communicated clearly and the consequences for not respecting boundaries are also communicated clearly. for example, your sister continually drops by your house without asking when she is in the area. you have asked her to check in with you beforehand, but she keeps ignoring you. “oh, come on! we’re family!” she laughs. after several times of asking her to check in before dropping by, you may say, “you have been asked multiple times to ask permission before swinging by. the next time you drop by without texting to ask if it is alright, i will not open the door.” some people may respect your boundary immediately, and some people may take a couple of times to understand and change their behavior (of course, if someone is being abusive, they do not receive multiple chances to correct their behavior!) if someone continues to invade your privacy, ignore your wishes, and disrespect you, the consequences become more direct and more absolute.
along with defining what boundaries are, let’s take a moment to highlight what they are not. boundaries are not a threat, and they aren’t a way to manipulate, control, or change other people. your boundaries are about you, what you are willing to do and not do, what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with.
5 phrases to create boundaries with YOUR family
“let’s not ruin a delicious holiday dinner with talk about that! how has work been going?”
this phrase is a blend of humor and re-direction and could be a good go-to for an extended family member trying to gossip with you about another family member.
“i appreciate your interest in discussing this, but I prefer not to talk about politics. let’s talk about something else! did anyone go to see that movie that’s out right now?”
it’s the dreaded political conversation at the dinner table! one person makes a statement and everyone tenses immediately. this phrase is a quick way to avoid going too far down a path that could end up in hurt, anger, and division.
“I hear your concern, but I've made my decision and i’m happy with it. Can we please not bring up the topic of changing my career again?"
your mom keeps making comments about your life choices and expresses her concerns even after you disagree with her interpretation of things. you are exhausted and no longer want to discuss or justify your actions. this is a helpful way to gently but firmly no longer engage in the conversation.
"that has not been my experience. Why don’t we agree to disagree?”
you are sharing your opinion on an important topic to you and someone hints that your logic is faulty or ill-informed and proceeds to tell you how you should be approaching the topic. this is an easy way to stand up for yourself and end the discussion.
“I need some alone time, I’ll be back in two hours!”
you are on day three of back-to-back holiday grocery trips with your parents and you feel frazzled. you know exactly what you need—a couple hours away. it’s okay to take care of yourself! this phrase is a quick way to let the people around you know that you need to disengage and charge your social battery (and also lets them know when to expect your return to the family festivities!)
learn more
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/03/08/well/family/boundaries-family-nedra-glover-tawwab.html
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pain-explained/201912/how-to-set-boundaries-with-family
https://www.kristinlittlecounseling.com/post/boundaries-part-1-doors-not-walls
https://amybraunlcpc.com/blog/boundary-phrases
contact
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