What Does It Mean to Be Parentified?
you come to therapy to talk about your feelings of guilt that have kept you saying, “yes” when you desperately want to say “no.” you are worried about people not finding you valuable in their lives if you aren’t able to be what they need you to be. you don’t feel like you can ask for the same support you give to other people because they may not be able to handle your emotional needs. maybe you can trace these experiences back to a childhood of handling adult things far before you were developmentally ready to do so. let’s explore parentification, the impact it can have, and how we can move forward from it.
what is
parentification?
if you were my client, at some point during our sessions together we would likely go back to your childhood to explore what your interactions with your parents were like. upon reflection, you may remember that you used to mediate fights between your parents from a young age. we talk further and learn that you used to water down your own feelings and not express your needs in order to keep peace and harmony in the house. you also recall asking your mom if you could go to a friends for the night after being invited for dinner. your mom had had a hard day and your dad was at work, and your mom began to cry and say that she felt like you were abandoning her alone at home while she was going through a difficult time. after comforting your mom, you decided to stay home instead of going to your friend’s house. these examples are all signals that you were probably parentified as a child.
parentification is a consistent pattern of a child having to bear the weight of responsibility for a parent who is unable to care for their own emotions and much less, the emotions of you, their child. the role of parent and child is reversed in this relationship. parentification doesn’t mean that if you ever gave your parents a hug while they were going through a difficult time, you were parentified but rather parentification is a pattern of a child having to meet their caregiver’s emotional and psychological needs, in the process abandoning or ignoring their own in order to ensure their caregiver remains okay. parentification can look like Mediating arguments between family members (as noted above) acting as a parent’s therapist, or being confided in about a parent’s adult problems that are developmentally inappropriate for you to hear or know about.
how is
parentification
affecting me?
Parentification can affect you in many ways in your adult life:
you may not have a strong sense of self.
as a parentified child, you had to Grow up fast. (in fact, it may be difficult for you to remember what childhood was like.) you weren’t allowed to be a kid and care about the things that kids care about. you had little space to express your own needs and figure out who you uniquely are. your identity was tied to your family and making sure that you didn’t displease them or do anything that would cause them to be unhappy. you may have a difficult time knowing who you are or feeling secure in your autonomy. you also may be incredibly hard on yourself, and have a harsh inner monologue that tells you stories about yourself. “you’re selfish because you feel sad and angry about how dad talked to you. you know he’s going through a lot right now. he doesn’t deserve that.”
you may feel too guilty to say, “No.”
because of the lack of boundaries between you and your parents, you may struggle with people-pleasing in adulthood. you may even believe that if you say no others will stop asking you for help and that you may lose your value and worth in their lives. you also may feel a nagging sense of fear that people will leave you if you ask for support because your parents couldn’t handle your emotional needs… so why should others be able to? you may find yourself playing the role of peacemaker and going to great lengths to ensure harmony in the environments you find yourself in, often at the expense of your own needs and desires.
You may have a hard time coping with difficult emotions.
you may struggle with emotional regulation, which may cause you to exhibit similar emotive outbursts that you witnessed your parents having. because you did not have an example of how to cope with difficult, overwhelming emotions you may have a difficult time knowing exactly what you are feeling. you didn’t have anyone to help you learn about your emotional world, and you didn’t have the space to learn about it on your own.
How can I heal from
parentification?
the path forward from Parentification will include giving yourself patience, compassion, and understanding as you may navigate a flood of emotions and memories that come to you as you reflect and remember.
give yourself the space to “feel” that you didn’t get to have as a kid.
grieve the childhood that you lost. you may experience anger, you may experience sadness. you may carry resentment. whatever comes up for you as you identify with being parentified and begin to process what that means, give yourself the time to feel all of it.
allow yourself to trust someone else to support you.
share your experience and your feelings about your experience with a trusted confidant. let them know that it’s very difficult for you to ask for space and trust that it won’t be too much, and any assurance that they can offer that you are okay to share what you are going through and it won’t be overwhelming would be helpful.
learn how to prioritize your needs in therapy.
find a therapist to process the impact of parentification. learn how to make decisions that prioritize yourself even if you experience guilt, shame, and anxiety as a result. learn how to identify and cope with your emotions and learn how to increase your self-esteem and discover who you uniquely are.
give yourself the gift of play.
being an adult does not mean that you have to leave play and imagination behind you. you didn’t get to have a childhood because you bore the weight of worries far too heavy for someone your age. this doesn’t mean that you cannot give yourself moments of childlike joy now! throw a themed party for you and your friends. dance around the living room to your favorite song. take a picnic to the park and read a nostalgic chapter book from childhood. play with a pet. go to a baseball game with a friend and eat peanuts and cracker jacks. go all out with your halloween costume. whatever allows you to laugh and smile and feel free and silly, make sure you prioritize giving yourself the the space to engage with that in your life. you deserve it.
learn more
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/parentification
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/20/parentified-child-behave-like-adult
contact
click here to get in touch with me and learn more about my therapy services for moving forward from a parentified childhood.