Why Is It Important to Be Assertive?
you may be approaching this article as a skeptic about the importance of assertive communication. you view your ability to go with the flow as an asset, noting how you have personally experienced how aggressive people make the people around them feel invisible and small. you are determined to never cause anyone around you to feel that way. aggressive communication is far different than assertive communication, though. in this article, a registered therapist writes about five ways you can continue to be your kind, flexible, adaptive self while beginning to communicate your wants and needs assertively and confidently.
Isn’t It Easier to Be Passive?
“Where should we go for dinner?” You are with your friends and the dreaded, inevitable question comes up. You smile and say, “Whatever works for all of you will work for me!” Your friends pick a restaurant and you breathe a sigh of relief that the moment of pressure and potential awkwardness has passed. You really don’t mind the restaurant that they chose, and you didn’t really have a preference anyway. if you had voiced an opinion, you may feel stressed throughout the night that your friends were disappointed by your pick or judging you for it, so allowing your friends to choose actually allows you to have a relaxed evening.
this approach may work for a night, But what if it has become the the way you handle every decision in your life? Your boss asks you if you want to be a part of a project you have no interest in or energy for, and instead of politely declining, you answer, “Sure!” you notice, however, that you spend the rest of the week feeling moody and grumpy about the amount of time you are spending on the project. Your partner asks for your opinion on which new paint color you both want for your living room and you ask, “Which do you like?” your partner chooses a color that you don’t like but you tell yourself that it’s not a big deal, it’s just a few walls and it’s not that bad anyway. You are settling in for a cozy night in with your favorite blanket and movie and your sister texts you to ask if you have a moment to talk about a stressful family situation. you desperately need a moment to turn “off” but you text back, “of course!” an hour later, you hang up, feeling irritated and drained. you immediately tell yourself to get over it and not be selfish.
using passivity to navigate your interactions does have its advantages. you can expertly skirt around potential conflict with ease, avoiding the stress of chaos and indecision by just adapting to what the people around you want. you can ensure that you can fit into any situation and be perfectly pleasant and amicable to be around.
it’s understandable why this may work for you, and why it may feel like the most peaceful way for you to live. perhaps you grew up in a very tense, combative environment, and your mind and body are desperately trying to keep you safe from having to experience that again. do you notice, however, moments where the cracks begin to show? do you feel used and taken advantage of by those who benefit from your eagerness to please? do you feel like you’ve lost your voice and don’t really know who you are or what you want? do you find yourself feeling resentful and angry but you continually push down those feelings and tell yourself you need to get over them?
maybe you want more, and that’s why you clicked on this article.
5 Ways to Become Assertive
use your voice
The next time someone asks you what you want to do, take a beat and think about it. you may feel like your needs and wants are a stranger to you, and it may take some time to become re-acquainted with them. are you deciding where to go for dinner? search for a few local options on google (just a few—don’t overwhelm yourself with too many choices!) notice if anything stands out to you. become curious about yourself—what do you respond well to? what brings you joy? what brings you comfort? what is an absolute “no?”
practice saying “when you did (this), I felt . . .”
say it over and over until it becomes comfortable: “when you did this, i felt like this.” begin to let people know how you feel about their behavior, both good and bad. “when you packed my lunch for me today, i felt so loved and cared for.” “when you snapped at me at the mall, I felt confused and embarrassed.” if it feels overwhelming at first to speak these sentences out loud, begin by practicing them in your head. over time, begin sharing with the people you care about. take note of who in your life responds with understanding to this new vulnerability you are demonstrating, and who mocks, dismisses, or blames you.
notice your body language
what has your body language been communicating about yourself? do you walk into spaces with your shoulders hunched, making sure not to make too much eye contact? taking up space can feel terrifying when perhaps your entire life you have stayed safe by staying small. try an experiment this week. catch yourself in a moment with someone you feel very comfortable with. straighten your shoulders, hold your head high, and look at them in the eyes as you’re talking with them. how does this change affect the dynamic? do you feel anxiety? where is the anxiety living within your body? does it lessen throughout the time together? how do you feel about yourself? was the conversation different as a result of this change in posture?
Get comfy with “no.”
becoming assertive means becoming honest with what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do. this can be so much easier said than done. there may be real consequences for saying “no.” you may upset people. you may be left out of things. you may become less valuable to those who may benefit from your generosity and lack of boundaries. you may be yelled at, you may be put into emotionally unsafe or dangerous situations, and you may lose people that you care about. these are incredibly difficult situations to navigate, and understandably may be very, very scary to even consider. but you also may realize that people are open and willing to hearing your boundaries; they just didn’t realize how you were feeling. take stock of how the people in your life respond to your “no.” if there are people who you feel you can’t say “no” to, consider if some distance needs to be established as you seek to become more assertive.
find balance
becoming assertive is finding a balance between coming on too aggressively and coming on too passively. you can be both kind and firm. you can demonstrate empathy and understanding while voicing your needs. in fact, you can use your incredible people skills to become more assertive. here are a few examples of assertive sentences to have in your back pocket:
to your roommate blasting music with her friends at midnight: “hey everyone! it sounds like you are having a blast out here, this album rocks. but I have got to get to bed, i have a long day tomorrow. would you be able to turn the music off in 15 minutes?”
to your friend who keeps canceling plans on you: “I know that you have been so busy and that you are feeling exhausted right now, and i see how hard you are working to balance everything in your life. i have been noticing, though, that when you cancel on us over and over, i don’t feel like I’m important to you and i feel sad about that.”
to your coworker who keeps venting to you during your lunch break: “I feel so honored that you trust me to share what you are feeling and i really want to be able to fully be present for you. i do use my lunch break to turn off and restore my energy though so that I can be engaged for the rest of the work day. would we be able to check in later this afternoon instead?”
learn more
http://www.mindforlife.org/nice-persons-guide-becoming-assertive/
contact
click here to get in touch with me and learn more about my therapy services for become more self-assured and confident in your communication.